No one is perfect. We know this; our kids know this. Then why is it that we cringe even at the thought of admitting this to our children? One of the biggest reasons is that we are afraid of undermining our own authority. But when we don’t share the truth with our children, even about our own imperfection, or try to cover up our mistakes, our children begin to doubt us and miss out on a valuable relationship and relationship skill – self-disclosure (sharing about our inner thoughts and feelings).
This last week, as my five-year-old son was going to bed, all snuggled up in his top bunk, he said, “Dad, I don’t really hate you. I was mad. I love you, Daddy.” I knew he was thinking about earlier in the evening when he had gotten mad when we stopped our wrestling game. He had said to me in a rage, “I hate you.” Because I regularly practice self-disclosure with my son, letting him know my thoughts and feelings, going to him when I need to apologize or make up for an interaction, he has begun to do the same with me. Already at age five!
This interaction with my son reminded me of the importance of self-disclosure. Following are the top four reasons why self-disclosure is key in building relationships:
1. Self-disclosure creates a foundation of trust in a relationship. Our children know intuitively how we are really feeling regardless of what we say out loud. If we are really feeling angry, and we say we are not, our children know we are really angry. When we are truthful about these feelings, children know they can trust what we say and do.
2. Self-disclosure creates emotional safety for our children. If we have had a tough interaction with our children – yelled at them, punished them, lost our temper – and we approach them after we have calmed down and apologize, our children know not only that we’re not perfect but that it’s okay not to be perfect. We send the message, “It’s okay to make a mistake.” Then, when our children make a mistake or have a hard time, they know they can come to us Our relationship is emotionally safe for them to have all of their feelings.
3. By self-disclosing, we take responsibility for our own emotions. Another way that self-disclosure creates emotional safety for our children is that by self-disclosing we give our children the message that we are responsible for our own emotions. After we apologize or talk about an interaction, our children understand that they don’t need to help us feel better ourselves. We show that we have taken care of that on our own. Our children then feel the freedom to be themselves.
4. Self-disclosure teaches our children about a mature, adult action. When we go to our children after a blow-up and apologize, we are demonstrating what mature adults do in relationships. Mature adults address a difficult interaction, rather than letting it blow over. We take the initiative to “clear the air.” Our children pick up on this – like my son – and begin to do the same, addressing a situation rather than letting it blow over (until a time when it blows up!).
So the next time you have an imperfect interaction with your child – or with someone else and your child is a witness – take the time to talk to your child about it after things have calmed down. You may be surprised what a positive impact this has on your child!
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